Foreword: Meeting Death Halfway

"We were supposed to have reached a stage of civilization in which it might still be necessary to execute a criminal, but not to gloat, or to hang his wife and child by him while the orc-crowd hooted. The destruction of Germany, be it 100 times merited, is one of the most appalling world-catastrophes. Well, well,—you and I can do nothing about it. And that [should] be a measure of the amount of guilt that can justly be assumed to attach to any member of a country who is not a member of its actual Government."

– J. R. R. Tolkien

Mundane Chambers Without a Hint of Nostalgia

Boom.

My bedroom is depressingly stale and empty; I don't even have a bed. Seriously, I sleep on a mat on the floor. The asceticism of it pleases me, plus it's just more comfortable that way. All that cover up the whitewashed bland walls are a giant and majestic British flag, an ugly brown dresser, my big plastic blue laundry basket, a really cool Dalek poster, and two little tourist flags; British and German.

My favourite item is probably my recently acquired map of interwar Europe. Germany and Austria are nearly the same colour (Germany is pink and Austria is orange) and from a certain distance they look as though they're the same country (incidentally, they would be, just before the Second World War) and the Republic of China spans all of the territory of the old Qing Dynasty. The British Empire takes up 1/4 of the world and the Soviet Union is comfortably excluded from Europe by the lovely straight Polish and Romanian eastern borders. It's sure as hell not perfect, in fact I'd prefer a 1914 or even a customized fictional or alternate history map, but it'll do.

If I acquired my entire wishlist of room items, I would be left with a large surplus of treasures crammed into the rest of my relatively small apartment. As such, I'll refrain from making my list too long. Yes, I am composing a list of what I want in my room. Yes, I am capable of restraint (except with semicolons; I adore semicolons). No, the intriguing faux Van Gogh painting of the exploding TARDIS didn't make the list, despite my avid fascination with it; it gets to head this post instead.

I'd definitely redesign my entire room as well, but I haven't the foggiest idea where to start (interior design is not my strong suit, but you'd have to play Minecraft with me and see my horrible, empty square single room houses to find that out). Never mind; Prussian blue walls and a real bed would be a great place to start. Also... can I please have a House Targaryen t-shirt and some sort of fancy WWII officer coat with buttons? Either way, I'm lacking the staple of any young man: attractive women, real or portrayed (though Captain Jack Harkness would be more than fine)! Sigh. I'd best get on with my list.

Along with a large German flag, lush carpet, and fancy furniture to complement them, I'd certainly appreciate these four beauties (framed, obviously):

Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria, Germany.

The Reichstag building in Berlin, Germany, circa 1900.

The capital of the German Empire, circa 1900.

RMS Titanic by Ken Marschall (this is where the British flag comes in handy).

Those are all rather grandiose and dramatic, aren't they? Well, don't worry, I have some taste. I'm not entirely stuck in the past...

Featuring Amy Pond's legs and a Dalek in a bubble. Don't blink.

Potential Titanic Complete Score Tracklist

Some pretty album art by me, using assets from the film.

The official Titanic soundtrack album and its successor, Back to Titanic, are horrific attempts at summarizing the music from the motion picture; in essence, they simply contain a bunch of alternate takes and cues mixed together with some horrible synths added. Of course, it could be disputed that the music in the film is actually composed of alternate takes and cues mixed together at the behest of James Cameron, but that's irrelevant.

The music in the albums (both the original and Back to Titanic) doesn't match up to the music in the film. It is inferior sounding and omits the best cues in the film. For example, the albums do not include the opening credits/Jack's death, the actual Southampton and Leaving Port cues, the various wonderful piano pieces that play during the film, and most of the party in third class, while the full sinking sequence is extended and mixed up.

Inaccurate soundtrack albums plague the film and music industry, but at least for many other films, recording sessions or complete scores have been leaked to the public and earnestly devoured or as in the special case of the Lord of the Rings, the complete recordings have actually been officially released. Titanic's music is locked tight, with, if they can be believed, only a few lucky individuals having access. I'm not condoning music piracy, but if the music isn't available for purchase, "stealing" (not that the big music companies are hurt by it) is the only way to properly hear it, especially if the company refuses to release the music that by all rights by purchasing the film itself, the consumer should have full access to.

I've compiled two tracklists containing all of the (far superior) actual music from the film, in the correct order. The first is what an official or unofficial bootleg release might look like. The second is how I would organize the tracks myself. I have a habit of renaming unsatisfactorily named tracks, compiling short ones into suites, and editing them if they're broken. My version is far easier to manage, considering the former and that duplicates are removed, making the album more compact with fewer but longer tracks.

Possible official release/unofficial bootleg tracklist: (Please pardon my notes.)

1. Opening Credits (not on album)
2. Ghost Ship (not on album except for a tiny bit of Hymn to the Sea)
3. Into the Wreck (not on album)
4. Distant Memories (most of it is on the album)
5. The Butterfly (not on album)
6. Back to Titanic (alternate version called Southampton on album)
7. A Lucky Hand (not on album)
8. Leaving Port (none of this is actually on the album but there is a track with the same title)
9. Ode to Titanic (alternate version than on album, which is Take Her to Sea, Mr Murdoch)
10. First Glance (not on album)
11. You Jump, I Jump (some of it is on the album in the form of A Promise Kept)
12. Music Box (not on album)
13. Engagement Gift (a tiny bit of it is on the album)
14. Jack's Drawings (not on album)
15. A Real Party (some of it is on the album in An Irish Party In Third Class, though it is incomplete and contains voiceovers for some unfathomable reason)
16. Flying (an alternate version is on the album called Rose and it has pesky synth choir)
17. The Portrait (a softer version is on the album)
18. Lovejoy (not on album, full version of A Lucky Hand)
19. To The Stars (not on album)
20. Hard to Starboard (extended version on album)
21. Trapped Below Decks (some of it is on the album in A Building Panic)
22. Falling Apart (some of it is on album, most of it is not)
23. Ismay's Departure (as per above)
24. Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave (on album, but softer in the film)
25. Cal Spurned (on album, second half of Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave)
26. Third Class Corridors (not on album, some of it is in Hard to Starboard)
27. Nearer, My God, To Thee (slightly different version on album has annoying voiceovers and sound effects at the end)
28. Shattered Dreams (mixed up into The Sinking and A Building Panic with some not included)
29. Death of Titanic (extended version on album)
30. Never Let Go (Jack's death and immediate aftermath not on album, first half is in A Promise Kept)
31. The Carpathia (Never An Absolution and A Life So Changed on album, short version)
32. The Heart of the Ocean (one of my favourite cues, definitely not on album)
33. Never An Absolution (long version of The Carpathia, on album)
34. A Promise Kept (first half is film version of Rose, second half is film version of Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave with a longer fadeout)
35. My Heart Will Go On (yuck, too many versions of this abomination out there)
36. The Ship of Dreams (film version of second half of Take Her to Sea, Mr Murdoch, definitely not on album)

Here's my organized version of the tracklist:

1. Back to Titanic (Opening Credits)
2. Ghost Ship (inc. Into The Wreck)
3. Distant Memories (inc. The Butterfly)
4. Southampton (Back to Titanic)
5. Jack Dawson's Luck (Lovejoy is the full version of A Lucky Hand.)
6. Leaving Port
7. Maiden Voyage (Ode to Titanic)
8. You Jump, I Jump (A suite consisting of First Glance, You Jump, I Jump, Music Box, Engagement Gift, and Jack's Drawings with no pesky crossfading between tracks.)
9. A Real Party
10. Last Sunset (Flying)
11. The Portrait
12. To the Stars
13. Hard to Starboard
14. Trapped Below Decks (I'm not satisfied with this title but I can't think of a better one.)
15. Falling Apart (inc. Ismay's Departure, alternatively titled Women and Children First/Only)
16. Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave (inc. Cal Spurned)
17. Third Class Corridors
18. Nearer, My God, To Thee
19. Shattered Dreams
20. Death of Titanic
21. Never Let Go
22. The Heart of the Ocean
23. Never An Absolution (full version of The Carpathia)
24. A Promise Kept

The tracks that play during the end credits are not included as I would delete the atrocious "My Heart Will Go On" from my computer straightaway and the second track is just the second half of the film version of Maiden Voyage, which of course would be present here (though it's not in its official form "Take Her To Sea, Mr Murdoch").

Both potential complete albums would contain about 1 hour and 40 minutes of music in total, unless further alternate and unused cues and takes were included.

I sincerely hope Sony comes to their senses and releases the Titanic recording sessions or a proper complete score sometime in the near future, otherwise someone will eventually leak it. This beautiful work of James Horner (and others) doesn't deserve to be locked up in one of their vaults while the vastly inferior album floats around, masquerading as the music from Titanic in the public's hearts. Either way, whether I have to pay for it (which I would much rather) or download it (I'd still buy it if it became available), as soon as the chance comes up, I'm taking it.

Back to Titanic: My Favourite Scenes

"It's goodbye for a little while. Only for a little while. There'll be another boat for the daddies; this boat's for the mommies and the children. You hold mommy's hand and be good a little girl."

Opening Credits

Ghost Ship/Into the Wreck

Back to Titanic

Leaving Port

Ode to Titanic

Flying

"Iceberg, Right Ahead!"

A Mathematical Certainty

"Get On the Boat, Rose!"

Nearer My God To Thee

Shattered Dreams

At the Stern/Prayer For the Dying/Death of Titanic

Extended Carpathia Sequence

The Carpathia

A Promise Kept

Titanic has been my favourite movie since I first watched it at a very young age. Despite its flaws, I still love it and watch it all the time. The above scenes are the ones I view over and over again when I don't have time to watch the entire 3 hour long film. I'm not going to type out a full review here as that would be a complete waste of everyone's time, nor will I even explain my choices, but I'd like to say a few key things.

This film first got me interested in history and the genre of music that I honestly have severe trouble labelling. I don't know whether to call it "classical" (which doesn't quite fit), "orchestral", "soundtracks", "film scores", "film music", or something else. Either way, most of these scenes contain beautiful music by James Horner, most of which isn't actually on the official soundtrack. That's something that bothers the hell out of me, but I won't go on an undignified rant right now.

My favourite scene is either the end of the "Shattered Dreams" sequence in which the Grand Staircase is flooded and seen for the last time (pictured above), or the very end of the film, "A Promise Kept" (also pictured above), just before that horrific song by Celine Dion. I really do wish Cameron hadn't cut out most of the Carpathia sequence, though Titanic's editing wasn't nearly as brutal and detrimental to the film as was that of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and its sequel, At World's End.

The Girl Who Waited

Whenever I discover a new source of music, I have a habit of compiling my favourite tracks into absurdly overlong suites and publishing them on YouTube. Doctor Who was no different. About a year ago, during the prime of my Amy Pond obsession, using the Doctor Who series 5 soundtrack by Murray Gold, I arranged this beautiful 30 minute suite.

It is composed of the following tracks:

1. Little Amy
2. Can I Come With You
3. Little Amy - The Apple
4. Amy in the TARDIS
5. Amy's Theme
6. A Lonely Decision
7. The Life and Death of Amy Pond
8. Amy's Starless Life
9. You and Me, Amy
10. Impossible Choice
11. I Am The Doctor

The finale is a custom mix of Amy's Theme, The Life and Death of Amy Pond, and Amy's Theme from the Doctor Who 2010 Proms.

What's So Wonderful About Peru?

These rather unscrupulous-looking fellows all have something in common.

Mestigoit

Radagast

Stephano

The Men in Grey

Morgana

Okay, Morgana isn't exactly looking very unscrupulous now (in fact, she's quite utterly gorgeous), but wait until you see her in her forest witch getup. Anyway...

These people are all similar in that they live in Peru and that none of them are native to the country - they're all illegal immigrants. I know next to nothing about Peru other than that it's located in South America, the official language is Spanish (it was a Spanish colony), and that it's apparently (according to Stephano), a "wonderful place."

I'll take his word for it.

For one reason or another, Peru's vast and tangled forests have attracted each of these questionable characters. Unfortunately, I cannot disclose Stephano's exact location (I know you'd love to pay him a visit), as he is hiding from the psychotic mass murderer Violet Baudelaire:

Violet Baudelaire, under the pseudonym "Anna".

Beware! Violet is wanted for the murders of numerous people, including her mother, father, brother, sister, the Incredibly Deadly Viper, and numerous guardians. If you see her, contact the authorities right away. DO NOT APPROACH FOR ANY REASON. She is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

Mestigoit is both shaman and demon hunter by profession.

Mestigoit in Canada, banishing a demon.

Mestigoit can be found in his swamp hut. He is a paranoid and volatile little guy who appreciates a peace offering when visited. He most sensibly does NOT appreciate anime, especially InuYasha.

All you need to know about the Men in Grey is that they're a former secret British government ministry now in exile in Peru, hiding the existence of supernatural creatures from the world (it's not working). Shun their lair and comply with whatever instructions they may give you. Be polite and take great care; their leader is very unstable.

Radagast originally relocated to Peru after being threatened by a certain Saruman. Due to his extreme isolation, he is yet unaware of Saruman's brutal murder in the Shire. Finding and informing Radagast of this fact it would be a very kind thing to do. You'll have trouble locating him (he's a bit of a recluse).

Morgana is an interesting case. So interesting that I'm writing an entire article devoted to her. Until then, I'll leave you this piece of advice for your own good - if you ever have the insane urge to visit Peru (please don't!).

If she throws an evil smirk your way, you might as well drown yourself.

Consider yourself warned.

Tursday Tailface

I promised beautiful woman and here they are! Well, here's one woman anyway... for now. Being a typical young male, I am of the opinion that women are just fucking awesome, so I'll probably post more appreciative pictures eventually.

(Sexism? Chauvinism? Misogynism? I think not. It's my biological function. Essentially, it's my reason to exist.)

This is Nancy Reid from Being Human, portrayed by the wonderful Welsh actress Erin Richards. I like to call her Tailface. I'll tell you why in a moment, but first, she is the subject of my first dreadful attempt at making a GIF:

 

"I'm going to kill you, eat your babies, and burn your house down."

Based on this video:

 No, she didn't actually say that. Sadly. She just obsesses over arresting a certain Irish vampire who, being Irish, cannot properly pronounce "Thursday". Rather, he says "Tursday". I wonder if he said that to Daisy when organizing the Box Tunnel Massacre? Gods, I loathe mention of that stupid 30 second scene. I do love Annie (the pretty lady with squiggly hair creepishly making faces in the background; she's the second beautiful woman. I told you, plural!) though, she's possibly one of my favourite characters in the series.

Right, onto why Tailface is called Tailface. I love ponytails. They're awesome. Especially blonde ponytails. Oh my goodness, they're just majestic. I was screaming about ponytails to my best friend (who I've watched every single episode of Being Human with so far) and he accidentally called her "Tailface" when he was meaning to call her "Ponytailface". Thus, Tailface was born. Don't worry, I have a habit of nicknaming TV series characters. You should hear what awful names I have reserved for a certain Merlin. Now those, unlike this symbol of affection for Nancy, are just plain disrespectful.

I really do prefer redheads. They're more magical than unicorns.

Annie's just Rentaghosting in...

Maybe Tailface will make a return in series 5?

Nope? Bad idea? Fine Annie, we'll let you have all the glory.

 Talking to yourself in the mirror? Don't worry, Nancy. I do it all the time. Absolutely nothing to concern yourself about. Now why don't you just run along and find Mr Tursday?

POSTING PICTURES ONTO MY BLOG IS DEFINITELY MY BIOLOGICAL FUNCTION.